Recently I have had a lot of changes in my life and while i’m no stranger to changes, I really dislike the sort of changes that upset the foundation of my world as I see it.  I have always identified my adult self first and foremost a mother, then a wife, a daughter, a sister and after that a friend.  So as you can easily see, my identity is mostly defined by the relationships i’ve forged and the roles i’ve assumed over my lifetime.   Lately though, changes have come about that have upset my apple cart and forced me to redefine some of the ways I see those roles and the part I play in them.

Many of the changes i’ve dealt with have been things beyond my control and so with those changes, i’ve had no choice but to sort of roll with the punches.  My youngest son has moved to Tennessee and while this isn’t the first time he’s left home, it’s the first time in which he was headed toward something with intent.  It feels promising and i’m happy for him even though i’ll miss him.  Both my sons are strong willed, independent thinkers and can be very clear about how they see the world.  I suppose in that respect, they are somewhat like me.  I guess that even though we don’t always see things the same, they have learned to view the world through their own eyes.  That can be challenging to a mother that has always been the “fixer” of all issues but ultimately i’m very proud that they can form their own opinions, feel strongly enough about them to act on them and will stand up for their beliefs.  It means they were not only listening to the lessons I tried to teach them, they are living them.  I’m transitioning to being a long distance mom and while that isn’t the easiest thing i’ve ever done, I have to believe that they know that Mom is only a phone call away if they need to talk.  So while it’s not really goodbye, it’s goodbye to the role as a full time mother.

These changes though have forced me to re-evaluate the areas of my life in which I did have some control and while it may not have been the best time to make more changes, it gave me the courage to stand my ground in areas I felt i’d been compromising a little too much.  After all, if my children were grown enough to stand on their own two feet, why couldn’t I do the same?  So I did.

I took a stand and tried to talk to a friend of mine about some issues that were bothering me in how we were interacting and in our relationship.  I will admit that it was my fault for letting things that had affected me go too far and not saying something before I did.  I had hoped that when I did approach them, our friendship would be strong enough for me to be honest, be heard and even respected for trusting in them enough to share my true feelings.. even if those feelings made both of us a bit uncomfortable to discuss.  In my minds eye I thought we would have a discussion, fix the issues and move forward.  Only that didn’t happen.

I suppose I should go back and lay a bit of groundwork.  Our friendship developed and grew deeper in part because of my need to “fix” things.  I saw someone else hurting on many levels and I wanted to help.  I thought that perhaps I could extend a hand of friendship, even a hand up for someone going through a hard time and that as a result, we might find mutual things in common and become closer.  Perhaps that was a bit simplistic and idyllic on my part but I sincerely believed that there was a real chance to finally make friends with someone local.  Someone that I could become buddies with in a place i’d found so different than what I knew growing up in Louisiana.  South Florida is a very transitional area and there aren’t a lot of people here that truly understand my southern heart.  I have some amazing friends that have been with me through thick and thin over the years and even though our friendships are still strong, we live in different states and I don’t get to see them nearly as often as i’d like.  Simply put, I was lonely for friendship.  So I felt this new person might be the right one to bond over chocolate, coffee and chat and help to fill in a missing piece of my life since moving to Florida so many years ago.  And it was that way.. for a time.

I admit, there were some things I didn’t understand about their approach to the world but I didn’t feel as though that had to interfere with us being friends.  I accepted the quirks as being a part of their personality and while I had no desire to change my friend, I didn’t want to have to change myself in order to make our friendship work either.  I recognize now that I should have said something when those quirks started to encroach in areas of my life that made me feel uncomfortable.  I own that and I can’t expect the other person to be a mind reader.  But the real problems came when I did try to set a very clearly stated boundary and it was basically ignored.  So I went to my friend.. tried to explain how it bothered me only that explanation didn’t go over quite like I had hoped.  I dunno.. perhaps they felt I expected too much of them by placing a boundary?  They did tell me that they had no expectations of me but I find that hard to conceptualize.  To me, it’s impossible to have any sort of meaningful relationship in which there aren’t levels of expected behaviors.  Perhaps too many expectations can lead to disappointments but the flip side of that is that if you have no expectations,  how can mutual respect develop?  Respect is formed from knowing where compromise lies.

So after approaching my friend with my concerns, I think we were both left with a lot of frustrations.  It was stressful to feel as though my need for boundaries had to be continually defended instead of just being recognized and accepted.  I asked if we could just drop it for a while..  let things cool off, give us both time to step away and come back to revisit the issues with a healthy sense of respect toward each other and a desire to move forward.  I admit I was disappointed when that simple request could not be honored.. and I was yet again met with another round of why I should be changing my mind to suit their needs. I did not like that it had come to that point.  I tried telling myself “do not engage” but by this time, I felt completely disregarded as a human being.  It was a HORRIBLE feeling and one that I would have never imagined I would be in with this person.

There were too many misunderstandings, too many hurt feelings on both sides and in the end I was left feeling used, unheard and disrespected.   I searched inside myself for answers, consulted with my therapist and even came across an article on the web that felt eerily familiar in places and while I saw the writing on the wall , it was a tough place to be.    Deep down, I knew I couldn’t continue in a relationship in which I no longer trusted their ability to recognize and respect my boundaries.  I told them that I was ending the friendship but I do admit it has been very difficult for me.  I want to honor what the friendship meant to me for it’s duration but there is a part of me that is deeply saddened by having to let it go.  I find myself missing what once was and while I am at peace with the decision, it was really hard to say goodbye.

The post below is a rambling post and may not make a lot of sense to others but this particular post is about me spilling out my mind’s reflections and rationalizing it’s decision making process in the written form. Sometimes it’s easier for me to go back and read my thoughts for a particular time frame without getting things confused. It also gives me an opportunity to look back and see if i’ve grown in my thought processes or remained stagnant. So you can read along if you’re so inclined but please keep your judgment to yourself. I have enough criticism in my life (some from others, some from myself) without another heaping helping pile, okay? The flip side of that is to also say I am not looking for blind support. If you can relate, great. If not, I don’t need someone blowing smoke up my ass. I do need validation sometimes but not at the expense of insincerity. So having said that.. here we go. Verbal diarrhea and plodding through the mud in my brain are about to commence.

I’ve read this quote a million times and sometimes I agree, sometimes I don’t. I wonder.. is a person’s life truly defined by “moments” or do we need to lump all those moments together and try to see the overall picture? That “moment that takes your breath away” can be a really good thing or a really bad thing and we don’t always get to choose. So should we allow “moments” in our lives to define us? Do we allow our emotions to pave our paths when it’s been proven time and time again that emotions are a horrible guide? Emotion isn’t rational. It isn’t predictable. It generally isn’t safe. But it does make us more humane and less robotic. Relationships are generally founded in emotion and also come to a close surrounded by emotion as well — “live by the sword, die by the sword” comes to mind here. Do we trust our emotions or seek a greater sense of peace through rationality?

What about mistakes? What happens when those unintentional moments result in great pain to ourselves or to others? Do we allow those moments to define us as a human or can we learn from those mistakes and move forward? What about when those “moments” have the greatest impact on others? What choice do others have in deciding if their lives will be defined by that “moment” of your action. We are not isolated in this world.. our paths collide, we interact with others, our behaviors affect those that we are surrounded by. But we do not have to be defined by moments of indiscretion or cruelty just as we do not have to be defined by moments of love and kindness. It is a choice. Just as forgiveness is a choice.

There is no set timeline for forgiveness though. It will come when the healing begins inside the self. Granted, forgiveness is much “easier” to give if there is true repentance and atonement. After all, what is an apology without an act of contrition? Words. Words that cease to have depth of meaning if they aren’t followed by actions of remorse. When a person asks for forgiveness yet shows no real ownership for the originating offense, how much faith can be placed in those words? Redemption lies in the actions that directly contridict the offense that caused the pain. Otherwise, there is no awareness.. no growth.  Which causes us to repeat those offenses.

But none of that is required for the act of forgiveness because forgiveness is a selfish act. Yes, I said a selfish act. An act to let go of the pain that someone else caused. It does not mean you must allow them to continue subjecting you to their actions. It does not mean you continue to accept wrongful behaviors as being okay. It just means that you are not going to let their bad behavior control your life.

If we really want to love we must learn how to forgive.  –Mother Teresa

In order for me to have peace, I know I have to forgive.  Unforgiveness can lead to depression, bitterness and negativity as well as physical, spiritual and emotional sickness.  It also leads to loneliness.  The benefits to forgiving is that it gives you the freedom to move forward and heal, no longer allowing a situation to have power over you.  Forgiveness is not a feeling though, it is an action.  It does not diminish the grievance against you, does not condone the other person’s behavior and it does not mean that trust is instantaneously granted back to that person.  It does not mean you forget.  Yet the purpose of forgiving is not to make someone else feel better, it is to make me feel better and not have my life defined by a “moment”.

I want to forgive.. I want to have a sense of peace in my life. I want to take that step.. and then the next step.. and then the next. But I must decide if there is true atonement and change in actions so as not to repeat the offenses. I don’t have the answers to those questions yet but I am open to the possibilities. Forgiveness can be life changing and is a decision that is very personal and comes in it’s own time.  That’s all I have to offer right now. After all, i’m human too.

I am terribly saddened for today I lost a friend.  I can’t imagine how i’m going to do without her and I just can’t believe i’ll never see her again!   We had one of those relationships that is irreplaceable.  We go way back.. in fact, I first met her prior to marrying my first husband.  She was an easy friend to have.. never demanded anything, always there exactly when I needed her and sometimes she gave me the sweetest gifts!

Her name was Mrs. Robeson.  Even with all the years of knowing her, I had always called her Mrs. Robeson out of respect, although I would playfully call her “Sparky” on occasion.  She visited every holiday but occasionally she would drop in unexpectedly before dinner during the rest of the year.  She never stayed long and was always willing to pitch in and help with the cooking.  She was most at home in the kitchen.  She was always a welcome help and while I appreciated her, I know I selfishly took her for granted.

She was gone in an instant and it was in the middle of helping me prepare something special for Christmas when it happened.  All the way to the end, Mrs. Robeson was doing such sweet things for me.  Thank you seems so insignificant but I hope she knew how much I really did appreciate all her help.  You just can’t beat those kind of friends.  RIP, Sparky.. I am grateful for your loyalty, your dedication and your help over the years.

The last (and sweetest) thing Mrs. Robeson ever did for me was be a part of our Christmas festivities.  We all thank you for that!

Christmas time is here.  Very little time left to make all those baked goods or to purchase that last minute gift.  By now, most people’s holiday cheer is already starting to wane.  The frantic pace has us racing to get things done while most are still working.  Traffic is snarled.. the markets and department stores are chaotic.  It’s easy to forget what the season represents.

For some, it is the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ while others commemorate different walks of faith in their own custom.  Even those that don’t have a belief in a higher power seem to find a bit more spring in their step and find good will toward others during this time of year.  While none of us are exempt from feeling the stress of the added monetary expense that seems to go along with holiday spending, there still seems to be a magical feel at times.  It’s easier to remind ourselves to coexist during this time but wouldn’t it be wonderful if it were more of a way of life rather than a short lived season?  Yeah.. I know.  Too Pollyanna of me, huh?

To me, Christmas is about spending time with those you love.  In that respect, I have Christmas nearly every day of the year.  I don’t get to spend enough time with my son or my Mom though and I worry that although her health is good, she isn’t getting any younger and I don’t know how many more years I will be able to have her with me.  The holidays seem to make the pains of missing those that I love that are no longer with me a little sharper.. this worries me that at some point I will likely know that feeling again.  I simply MUST find a way to to go see my mother and my son.. SOON.

Before later becomes too late.. hug those that you love and never let them doubt that you feel the way you do.  Merry Christmas, Y’all!